Anxiety is nothing new. We feel it all the time. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. It’s that feeling inside us that says: “Be careful! This could hurt you!”
So much around ‘achievement’ hinges on how much faith you have in your self. Whether you are willing to take a risk, and whether you KNOW, that whatever may happen, you can pick yourself up and try again. This is not something you can teach. This is something you need to experience, and to learn.
Both of my boys have struggled in their own personal lives. Something isn’t quite “right”. It doesn’t “fit”. Both boys have been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD, which is a blessing. It’s so helpful to have a diagnosis which can help others to understand your needs, and what you may struggle with.
But how do we help them? THEM. That child experiencing the world in their own way. That individual person, among a sea of people, each of whom needs their own help in some way.
My own answer is, to take time, step back and pay attention to the details.
This story is about my step son
My lovely stepson, who is so brilliant, so creative, and who struggles in the school system. It is the story we see time and time again. A brilliant creative, struggles to fit in to a system that was not designed for him. That was not designed for anyone in particular.
My stepson is a world unto himself. He is an artist, with emotions wild, passionate, and a hand ready to pick up a pencil, and create a new world for himself. He is an only child, born into a world of love. A mother, father and wider family who love him.
He is bold, and brave, but cautious about change… And there are some things which flair up a sense of panic.
These ‘flair ups’ in children often seem ‘over the top’ and (in my opinion) signal a deeper internal conflict, which stems from anxiety, which to a child can be overwhelming.
For my stepson, one of these ‘triggers’ has been reading. (For my older son, when he was younger, it was writing.)
When the dreaded homework came around, the atmosphere would suddenly change. Science… no problem, math’s (they might be a bit bored) but still no significant distress.
But reading… that brought on another reaction entirely. Not just playful avoidance, but clear distress.
So whats that about? Where is that distress coming from?
In my experience as a parent, there are those moments, when your child is having a meltdown, and you pause for a second and think “wait a minute… this doesn’t add up. This reaction is far too extreme to be ACTUALLY, due to the apparent issue.”
And here is where I have a theory.
Imagine you are a baby. An only child, born into a world of love. Imagine you feel that love everyday. You feel safe, and secure, and the people around you regularly celebrate your achievements. Imagine you are bright, intelligent. You pick things up quickly and the people around you congratulate you. “You are such a clever boy!”. You look up to them delighted. Filled with a sense of warmth and reward. You ARE clever 🙂
All of these things that you have done have come naturally to you. You didn’t need to try.
So then, what happens when something doesn’t come naturally to you?
Having lived so far in a world full of warmth, of love and security, in which your sense of self is built up from the acclamation of those around you, for achieving without having ‘done’ anything at all. What happens when something doesn’t come naturally? What happens then?
It is my theory, that this sort of situation can present quite the problem indeed! It is something I have seen before in my own son, and witness time and time again, in children who are brought up in a world filled with love.
At some point in my parenting journey, I read an article which emphasised the importance and impact of praising the effort a child puts in to a task, rather than the end result. When we praise children for accomplishments which took no ‘effort’ (or challenge), we are setting them up to expect that from themselves, always. And when it doesn’t come naturally, they don’t have the life experience to understand, that effort is often what it takes to achieve.
However, when we praise the effort, we instill in them the toolkit, to accomplish any task they want.
This was a big lesson learnt for me, and one which definitely left me with some feelings of guilt. (For being too loving a mother…. how ironic *rolled eyes*). But here we are.
READING EGGS
So, here we are. We have a child who is scared to fail. It is not something they are used to.
How do we get them from point A to point B? How do we tackle the hurdle of ‘having a go’… To try and be prepared to fail.
ENTER the reading eggs 🙂
My step son loves toys. They are a motivation for him, and motivation is what he needs. If it doesn’t come naturally.
To help my stepson break that barrier of ‘having a go’, we created his ‘Reading eggs’. We labeled a jar, and filled it with plastic eggs which each contained a small toy. The rule is, for every one book he reads, he gets a reading egg.
Ok, so we are spending about 30p for every book he reads, but in my book that’s money well spent! 🙂
In our experience, the reading eggs have provided some respite for my stepson… He has homework to do. Its unavoidable. If that’s all he has to focus on, then it’s horrible… But give him a bit of motivation…
The reading eggs take his focus OFF of the idea which is causing him anxiety, and on to another goal. As human beings, we NEED to be able to fail, and if we are too afraid to fail, then we wont make progress.
The reading eggs have given him the space, to try.
My stepson has come SUCH a long way with his reading, since this intervention, and we are so proud of him 🙂 He always gets the praise no matter what.